As a Customer Service Representative for a crooked home security company, my job is usually to make people feel better about problems I cannot actually solve. We have company-sponsored lessons on how to keep the phone calls from affecting our emotions.

(In other words, we're a team of unsympathetic robots. Hope your problems fix themselves, sucker, 'cause we sure won't help you. By the way, thank you for sending in your $2,000 cancellation fee because you can't afford our monthly service anymore because your wife just died...  Not that the emotional steeling attempts actually work. I always go home shredded.)

The only way to survive is to focus on the rare customer who appears (in the objectifying movie-character sense) to deserve a slap in the face.

Guy from the Bronx: I'm gonna get all my $*%^ing guns and come down there and shoot @?#(ing everybody!
Me: Sir, I know what the problem is with your account. It's simple to fix, but I need to call our partner company in order to fix it. Do you mind if I put you on hold for two minutes so I can call them?
Guy from the Bronx: NO!!! Why can't you just fix it?
Me: I don't have the necessary access to make those changes. I'd be happy to conference you into the call. Can you wait 15 seconds so I can dial?
Guy from the Bronx: NOOOO!!!! Don't put me on hold! Your #&*#ing company has been bouncing me around all #$*&ing day!
Me: I apologize for that. I'm not going to drop your call. I just need your permission before I can place you on hold. It'll only take a minute, but I can't fix your problem until you let me make another call.
Guy from the Bronx: #@$( you, !(@$ your momma, *%# everybody at the )#$%ing place, I'm NOT waiting on hold.

(yes, this is actual dialogue from an actual conversation. Took me an hour to convince him to let me fix the problem, which only took 5 minutes to resolve.)

I hate this job, but I need it. At the end of the day, if I can laugh sadistically about that jerk who got what was coming instead of remembering the sweet lady who started crying, then maybe I'll be able to drag myself out of bed again tomorrow at 6am so more people can swear at me so I can pay my bills next month. 

When the customers fail to provide sufficient amusement, the scripted monotony starts to eat at our souls, so we resort to intentional insanity to evade institutionalization. And sometimes we try too hard. ^_^

Thus the endless supply of your-mom jokes…
Me: Hey Dan, your lead is 956334.
Dan: YOUR lead is 956334. 

Customer fury + average people coping through life together results in a long string of quotables (as well as some very funny less-quotables punctuated by $#*!  )  These are some of my favorites:


A guy called in to cancel his contract. I explained the fine print in his contract. (Sure, you can cancel if you pay 80% of the remaining balance of the contract. Sure, you can just stop paying but we'll send Collections after you. Sure, you can submit a report with the Better Business Bureau, but we don't actually care because they have no legal power over us. No, there is nothing I can do. If I could, believe me I would.) The situation itself wasn't funny, but the way he communicated left me in stitches.

He started out all reasonable, but as I laid out the dismal picture he got more and more and MORE and MORE panicked until he swore. Then he got instantly contrite and apologized. And we'd tackle the problem again. Problem restated (yes, I really do understand), contract clarified, case for exception pled (wow, that stinks that your Sales Rep lied to you. I'm really sorry), customer starts feeling trapped, emotions rise and he swears again. This cycle repeated for 45 minutes. 

Finally, with a big sigh, he says: 
"I'm really sorry. I hope you realize I'm not swearing at you. I'm just really frustrated. I'm sure you guys are a great company. It's just... you know... the bluebird of happiness flies around spreading joy, but every once in a while, it poops on someone, and today it happened to be me."

รด_o Yeah, I couldn't answer the next two calls. I was laughing too hard.

This is for you, random dude of awesomeness. I'm genuinely sorry I couldn't fix your problem. I hope you never, ever, ever sign another contract, ever again.





















More quotes: 

Tech: Sorry… When I do things out of order, it totally throws off my groove. This is an argument against having a groove in the first place. 
Me: That, and it tends to cause problems like getting turned into a llama. 
Tech: Oh my gosh, YES!


Me: Has your Sales Representative made any promises or commitments to you that are not printed or written down on your agreement?
Customer: No, we couldn’t talk him out of his firstborn.


One lady got super mad and claimed we were being racist and not letting her out of her contract because she was black. It was a pretty loud phone call… Everyone in the department was laughing. The company policies don’t budge, and we don’t have the power to change them. Has nothing to do with your race ma’am.


“That’s an M, as in Massive heart attack”


Sales Rep: Hey, are you of Asian descent?
Me:  ….No. I’m definitely as white as can be.
Sales Rep: Oh. We were just wondering. Well have a good day.
*hangs up*
My Supervisor’s Supervisor *appalled* : Laura! What did you just say?
Me: They asked me if I was Asian. Maybe my Chinese is screwing with my English.
Him: Oh… Maybe you’re rolling your Ls or something. ‘Herro, my name is Roar-ra.’


A beautiful tribute to how everyone just goes on automatic:
Me: Anything else I can do for you?
Tech: Nope, that’s it.
Me: Alright. I love you, have a good day.
Tech: I love you too. Bye bye.
*click*
*blink*
Me: Wait a second…


It’s worse when you go to say your prayers at the end of the day… Fold your arms, close your eyes, and, “Welcome to Crooked Security Company. My name is Laura. May I have your phone number pleeeeeee…” *feels stupid* “Um, I mean, Dear Heavenly Father…”


And my personal favorite... First 30 minutes of the day, I do a post-installation survey with a 60-year old man.
He says: “How many times do you do this each day?”
“Oh, so many… I try to make it fun though.”
“Business is booming, eh? You need to rest your voice more.”
“You can tell that my voice is starting to go?”
“Yeah. I think they need to give you a 30 minute break and a soda.”
*grin* “Something like that.”
“Well thanks for your help, love. Have a good day.”
“Aw, you too.”  
He passes the phone back to the Technician.
“I think she’s hot on me.”

5 Responses so far.

  1. Jena says:

    :) Those make me smile. Especially the 'I love you' one.

  2. Unknown says:

    Haha... Thanks Jena! ^_^ Comments like this make the hours of writing all worthwhile. Hope life is treating you beautifully, filling you with an abundance of awe and validation!

  3. Nathaniel says:

    This is hilarious XD I'd never heard most of these. Thank you for sharing!

  4. Unknown says:

    This has made my day and suddenly made me capable of doing all the things today that I had decided this morning I don't want to do. Thank you!

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